How to become the undisputed ruler of a polytheistic religion in five easy steps


No one wants to be the one who starts something, especially a religion. There are two ways to deal with this: Either say that you are reviving a religion that fell into disuse longer than anyone can remember (this is how Judaism started: read your Bible), or say you’re reforming one that’s already there (Christianity, which started as Reform Judaism and Protestantism, which started as Reform Catholicism). – Rosemary Edghill

Contemporary polytheism is great or whatever, but wouldn’t you somehow love to be able to get rid of all the established traditions and create your own personality cult?

Hold on, budding tyrant! You can absolutely, and i am here to help. Just follow the simple process outlined below, and you’ll be on your way to ordering a pagan corner of the Internet with fire in your heart and Fix-a-Flat in your ego.

“Gasp! I just had a brilliant idea. “(Image via Pxfuel.)

The first step

Choose an obscure, ancient, Near Eastern, or Indo-European culture, preferably with an unknown or untranslated language. (If in doubt, go with Etruscan.)

Second step

Read some books on the subject.

Third step

Check if anyone else has already founded a Reconnectionist and / or Reconnectionist tradition based on the religious practices of the same culture. If such a tradition already exists, contact the adherents, so that you can learn from each other and enjoy the fellowship and symbiotic spiritual growth.

Write your own book, the introduction of which should start with “Never before …” and end with “Forgotten … until now”.

Fourth step

Create a Facebook page.

Fifth step

Destroy all who oppose you, with self-righteousness and unverifiable personal gnosis as a glittering sword and shield.

As you might have guessed, there was an incident on social media, and I have feelings about it. I’m not going to name names or point fingers, because I am passive-aggressive overcome. I will, however, invent a fictitious recon trad and use it as the context for an actual online conversation.

Polytheistic Guru / Admin: “Hello, devotees! I downloaded a Proto-Lithuanian Unicorn Clan Ritual Cycle Calendar in our Files section. Of course, we don’t know if the Clan had a formalized ritual cycle, as the Proto-Lithuanian language was never translated, so I reworked what we know about their seasonal celebrations to align them with standard pagan festivals. .

“Hi! I’m here to bask. It’s today, right? What’s up with the awkward silence? (Image via Pixabay.)

Group Member: “Thank you for sharing this! I found something very similar when I was working on my thesis in Proto-Lithuanian Studies, and it seems our timelines are remarkably compatible. I have a question, however – what prompted you to match the Centaur Gelding Festival with Lammas? I ask, because at the time when I was collaborating on the Archaeological Almanac of the Proto-Lithuanian Unicorn Clan, we were able to determine that the annual castrations of stallions in the pre-Christian Baltic territories usually took place in early spring, so I wonder if we missed something in our search. Thank you in advance for any clarification you can provide! “

PG / A: “Listen, I tolerate polished dissent, but only up to a point.

GM: “Uh, what? “

PG / A: “You must understand that personal experience is always more valid than any “scholar” has to say. “

GM: “But I didn’t… I just meant… you know what? I think I’ll just quietly unsubscribe and keep playing Twitter. “

And then she left the group, and I snuck right behind her.

“My God, make me a bird, so I can fly far, far away from here. (Image via Pixabay.)

Pre-Sober Pit Bull Me reportedly lost his marbles all over the place and threw a few pointless punches before rushing for the door. But I’m older and wiser calmer now, and I understand that growling at a puffy-headed shower fountain isn’t going to change my mind or make a real difference.

Instead, I choose to focus on gratitude rather than resentment. For example, I thank members of another virtual forum, whose threads look like this:

New member of the group: “Hello! Can anyone recommend a good introductory book on the Proto-Lithuanian Unicorn Clan? “

Group administrator: “Of course! There are a lot of solid resources out there, but I suggest starting with The Proto-Lithuanian Unicorn Clan definitely had a formalized ritual cycle and that’s it, Where The Proto-Lithuanian language is really easy to translate, as it is predominantly Prussian with three additional vowels. Hope this helps! “

This Is help, mister the welcoming and approachable guy from the rebuilding of the proto-lithuanian unicorn clan. Does that indeed help.

A Proto-Lithuanian family sanctuary. (Image via Pixabay.)

For the sake of transparency, I must mention that I originally wrote this article for a short-lived blog project called The second coming of Bacchus. About a week after posting it, I met my sponsor to work on a Fourth Step, and as we usually do, we immediately stepped away from the topic.

Sponsor: “I have attended three yoga classes in the past two days. “

Me: “Just out of curiosity, have you ever considered a yoga teaching certification?”

Sponsor: “I have and calculated how much money I would need in the bank to quit my job and continue it. “

Me: “You really thought about it, eh?”

Godfather: “Yeah. My dream is to wake up everyday, do yoga and go fishing.

Me: “Hmmm. Maybe I should quit my job and follow my dreams too.

Godfather: “What, like starting your own pagan religion?” “

Me: “Oh, it’s already on my ‘Harms Done’ list.”

Godfather : ” … “

And then I told him about the Proto-Lithuanian Unicorn Clan, and he stopped blinking for about five minutes.

Considering he knows more about me than my family, boyfriend, and leather club combined, the fact that I’m still able to make him speechless is pretty impressive.

No more discord, you say? But of course! Follow the fivefold law on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and Zazzle.


Leave A Reply